Label Maker

Friday, Sept. 20, 2002 ~ 1:30 PM

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I just wanna show you the way that I feel.

I don't like labels.

I don't like defining myself by someone else's rules. I don't really like fitting into a box and if I have to I prefer it be one that I've decorated myself.

This leaves me in a bind in terms of label myself as a sexual being.

A friend of mine came out in HighSchool and since then has labeled herself a lesbian. Now, she's not so sure she was right about that. She was so sure and all rainbow proud and now... She's asked me a few times how I self identify and I have trouble answering.

It would be safest to self identify as bisexual and leave open the possibility that the "Mister Right" that my family keeps talking about will come along. But what seems most true to me is to self identify as a lesbian... because frankly, I've never been holding out for "Mister Right."

You see my dilemma is very simple. For a long time I thought I (exclusively) liked boys, then I got to know myself better and came to the realization that I only thought that because I was expected to think that. And then I fell in love with Verona. And since then, I've wondered (for the most part) what I ever saw in them. Yet... I realize that my natural attraction is to pleasure and beauty. And I realize that it is quite possible that there are beautiful boys out there and that one my come along and it'll be wonderful and all that jazz. I just haven't been interested in that happening.

I think about the dogma that sexuality; specifically homosexuality is a conscious choice. And I admit that if given the chance to choose either a beautiful boy to spend the rest of my life with, or a beautiful girl, that I would chose the girl. And I realize that superficially, it's because I'm in a place where women do much more for me sexually than men do. But deep down, it's because I feel that the connections (emotionally, psychologically) that I would make with that woman would be far more gratifying than those I could make with a man.

I guess what I'm hesitant about is this possibility. The possibility that I finally come out to my family [and get snubbed by few of them] only to in a few (or many) years down the road end up with a man.

And it upsets me that I should even be questioning it. Questioning happiness. Because as long as I'm happy, why should I really care if it's with a man or a woman? And I hate to admit it, but I care because the world cares. The world cares who I'm sleeping with. Society as I know it needs definitions and categories and labels. And the world doesn't care for label switching.

And I've been thinking that perhaps the way society uses the terms "homosexuality" and "heterosexuality" and "bisexuality" is a bit skewed. It lumps eros and agape all into one "ality." Those who abhor homo/bisexuality focus solely on the erotic side. And it seems to me to be about more than just with whom you're sleeping. Perhaps physical attraction is a choice, but (the stronger and more important) emotional attraction isn't.

Ah fuck it! I've said nothing. A lot of nothing.

And the only conclusion that I've come to is that from now on I'm going to make my own bleeding labels. Starting with this one:

A-N-D-R-E-A D-I-O-N-N-E

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Right Foot In < < < < < < < < < > > > > > > > > > Right Foot Out

Now Shake it all about!

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