#1

Wednesday, Sept. 11, 2002 ~ 6:34 AM

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I just wanna show you the way that I feel.

Excerpts from Journal

Tuesday, September 11th 2001
10:57 am

the world is burning down. the sky is ash. the sun is dust. and the streets are rubble. the World Trade Center is no more. 2 kamikazes took out the towers with their planes. it has collapsed. i have never heard a sound more terrifying then the song of ash and metal and religion and capitalism colliding. even on Hanover Square, we shook. the core of me is still shaking. how my hands remain steady I don't know. and it almost looks beautiful. it almost looks like snow. and you can almost pretend that the screams of the sirens are part of a new-age symphony; almost. I think that America will go to war against the Palestinians. I think that I was there on the day that WWIII started. On some levels I admire them, the PLO; I admire the 2 pilots who believed in a dream that burned so white-hot. I admire their faith and the courage. But look at the mess they've made. the sky is clearing up.. there is the faintest of blue in the smoldering sky; and breathing is easier. breathing is easier but it will never be the same. I am not going to die today. Or tomorrow; I know this with the audacious certainty of my youth; but I will die someday; and I almost hope that I die as brilliantly as those pilots; but without the pain.

[at this time we were still under the impression that the PLO was responsible for the attack]

LATER
@ Matt�s (E. 63rd St.)

it was so blue at nyu where the dust hadn't reached. matt was upset as i stretched my neck towards the sun.
it suddenly occurs to me that it was a good thing, more than just convenient that I stayed in brooklyn last night. I would have just been stepping off of the PATH train @ the WTC.

~~

Thursday, September 14th 2001
sometime around 3 AM
@Freya�s (W. 12th St.)

there are national guardsmen in the streets. 5th avenue @14th street is barricaded. people are being IDed @ that barrier. I have a connecticut license and they almost didn�t let me pass and even the bright blue and the sun doesn�t make their guns any less frightening. there is no downtown manhattan. there is no skyline. there are no NYers. there is only the barrenness and no-man�s land. there is only steel and haze. there are only zombies blinking in the sun. �you know when people say, �it�s not the end of the world�? they have no idea. hell; I�m HERE and I have no idea. I shuffled from place to place today and yesterday as if I were in someone�s else�s dream. someone else�s nightmare. I keep looking south and saying to myself, �once all of that smoke clears the towers will still be there.� even though I watched them crumble. but as the smoke clears the dream only sharpens to surreal focus. for the 1st time EVER I do not feel safe in NY. I do not feel UN-safe; it�s just that I realize exactly where I am and what this HERE means for everyone out there. I am afraid to go on a subway to brooklyn. I am scared of the possibility of the terror of the tunnels, the bridges� I am afraid to fly. I LOVE to fly. I jumped at a siren today, like it was the 1st one that I�d ever heard. like I was some new and raw nerve.

LATER

I MADE IT! I made it.

~~

Monday, September 17th 2001
12:27 PM
@ Work

am going crazy. not loony crazy, just crazy enough to spend my time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

for 1 thing: I am completely exhausted. the past few days of little sleep and no rest have finally caught up to me. I had barely gotten the dust out of my hair when I had to walk through all of that again this morning. outside of the building is being patrolled by national guard. one of them asked me if I needed one of there spare gas masks while checking my ID. noting my birthday, he remarked that he had just turned 21. and more than dust made my eyes water.

al is conducting business as usual. he fired barbara under the pretense that she wasn�t here today and that anyone not here should not even bother coming back. he then told me that I was to go back to being a booker and that I was going to take her place. I said that not only did I not want to take her place, I was also not moving back upstairs. I almost wanted him to end it; but I suppose that he�s saving that for tomorrow. I do not think it possible for me to care less.

coming to work today has only made me feel worse. and I know that life goes on.. I am all for that. but there is a callousness here that I cannot abide. I am not saying that people should be falling to the ground in tears every five minutes, I just think that a little consideration, a little compassion in necessary.

I mean, what if my mother had kept me in windsor like she wanted to.. would I have been fired also? damn! maybe I should have stayed. lord knows I could have used the sleep.

~~

Wednesday, September 19th 2001
11:07 PM

Sometimes I see smoke in my dreams. I think this sounds better that: my dreams these days, when I can be awake/asleep enough for them to be dreams, are filled with smoke. I have smoked a lot in the past week. nearly 2 packs. everything about me is ringing with smoke. it is a wonder I don�t blow away.

~~

Friday, September 21st 2001
circa 8:15 PM

we are single file in our grief
76 silent trombones
parading past 6000 measures of dusty silence

WALKING PAST WHERE THE TOWERS USED TO BE.
I think, �it�s still burning. it�s still happening.� and I hate dust. and I hate tourists. and I hate the smell that seeps in and stains my sleep.

WALKING PAST WHERE THE TOWERS USED TO BE.
used to be

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Last 5 Entries

How Rude! - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:16 PM

One small step but no giant leap. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 11:17 AM

Where's George? - Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 12:48 PM

Gypsy - Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2003 - 8:44 AM

I'm no Artemis. - Wednesday, Aug. 13, 2003 - 8:19 AM

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