|
|
A couple of hours later and there would have been no house to return to. Devin left one of her scented candles burning. And yet� the fact that her candle had been left burning unattended since Saturday was not the biggest role she played in the drama of this weekend (which I won�t even begin to go into) only serves to reinforce my realization that this was the LAST family outing/mini-vacation that I will be taking. And so I present the following excerpts from this weekend�s journal entries. Saturday, May 4th 2002: circa 9:45 AM Health tips from Grandma: �Pinkto Bismol stops diarrhea.� So the dress isn�t a dress at all. The dress is actually a skirt of various shades of pink and melon with the slightest of frills at the bottom; the blouse is a slightly darker shade of melon again with the frills, and the purse and shoes match one of the pale pinks in the skirt. It is, all in all, a very feminine �dare I say, �girlie�- ensemble. And oh yes! very bright and I will look just like everyone else in my family. How conformist of me. I can�t tell if Alison likes me. in.that.way. I know that she enjoys my company. Why else would she spend her lunches with me? And honestly, it�s not because she finds eating by herself at her desk so horrible. She actually told me yesterday that she likes eating at her desk. She amuses herself with crossword puzzles and other mind games. ~the trees grow with the abandon of a Dave Matthews song. they bend and trip like billies.~ She was telling me about her prophetic dreams. She was telling me that sometimes she doesn�t like to sleep because she�s wary of what dreams may come. And she did this thing. This whole story telling THING with her voice and her hands like she was playing music, and her eyes like she was a little girl trying to be brave, and then she told a joke to lighten everything up and I just wanted to kiss her. Very softly on the forehead. I just wanted to kiss the bad dreams away. But there was, it seemed, so much more between us than the table and even the table made me shy ~�You�ve got your ball. You�ve got your chain� Who�s got the claws in you my friend?�~ See with Verona I was nervous because I wanted her so much. Because everything about everyminutethingness of her was like napalm. Was like even the tips of my hair were on fire for her. God/dess! it was the best feeling. I just wanted to be her little trinkety thing. Her possession. And I didn�t trust this. It was a recklessness. the inhibition. It was a headlongedness that: when I said �I would do anything you say, Baby,� there was no chance of hesitation. I meant ANTHING. ->So yeah, she made me nervous. But Alison. Alison makes me nervous because I can�t read her. Because I don�t know what to offer her. Because Verona was like this sex goddess for me. Because she was the initiator. Because I was perfectly willing to submit. And with Alison I feel like I am the aggressor and I�m not used to this role. Because I want to be taken, I don�t know how to take. And while I knew that Verona would not mind a bit taking me, I cannot tell whether Alison cares either way. And knowing that she�s already in a committed relationship� well she has no need. To need me. For me to need her. And this nonchalance intrigues me� I want to get under her skin... but at the same time it makes me a little insecure. I have decided just to be myself. Forthright when I want to be and quiet with I need to be. More importantly, I have decided to just enjoy myself. 4:09 PM In Delaware: Just passed the �Big Oak� Park. Hmmm, nary a tree for acres. Maybe they�re out of season. �Little Heaven Shopping Center.� Empty. I guess we�ll have to go back to buying our wings at Kmart. �Slaughter Beach.� Uhm� no thank you. GRADUATION DAY. Welcome to my Hell. I swear to God/dess that if one more family member tells me that if I �dressed like a girl more often {I�d} have a boyfriend by now�; I�ll come out right in the middle of grace at tonight�s big dinner and then I�ll kick them all as hard as humanely possible in shins with the steel toed boots I�m sure that they think that any less than perfectly hetero girl has. Oh. And did I mention that the most interesting/attractive person that I�ve had the pleasure of coming across this trip� 40ish, intelligent, successful, gorgeous with silvering locks. Sharon. � is a �friend� of my Uncle. 1. I have a thing for older women. 2. I have a thing for hair. 3. I was so terribly close to purring when she complimented and then touched my locks. I am amused that with all of their pyscho-babble and conclusion drawing� my family has yet to come to the conclusion that perhaps the reason I am [in their words] relationship phobic, standoffish and off putting-towards men, seemingly with little to no sexual drive, and less than feminine in dress� perhaps all of this is because I�ve strayed a little from the straight and narrow path. 4:45 PM #1 Sign That You Are Lost. Anyway, it�s the most beautiful country that we are driving through with that rolling that reminds me of flesh. And I just want to run barefoot in the grass. I am so very aroused by all of this lushness that I don�t know what to do. I hate that this seat belt and this pavement speeding under me separates me from disappearing behind the sun. I just want to run in the fields on a warm night. starry.ripe. I want to make love to the woman of the hills. I want to offer myself outstretched and naked to her. I want her to mark me. tattoo me with fireflies. And make me pretty. Meet me tonight, Baby. . How Rude! - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:16 PM One small step but no giant leap. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 11:17 AM Where's George? - Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 12:48 PM |
|
a Nifty design 
|