Falling Down

Wednesday, May. 01, 2002 ~ 12:07 AM

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I just wanna show you the way that I feel.

Oo oo oo o-oh.
Ev�rything�s going my way.
Maybe it�s my lucky day.

Today felt so much better. It started out bluebright but it turned into another cotton candy day. And that was okay with me. I was busy and productive today. I felt all alive.

From the 12th floor of the building where the Investor Relations department is I can see all of Hartford. I am amused to find that this is the 12th floor and I can see ALL of Hartford. And the cars� being slightly larger than ants at this height� beetle along the highway in the morning sun. The Connecticut river is on one side and the city hall is on the other. The bells chime constantly it seems.
They call it the �boat building� but in all actuality it is shaped like one big eye. I found myself amused at my blinking today. I kept laughing to myself that this was quite possibly New England�s largest eye and it had nary a lash. I was in a weird mood.

This morning I was a little frazzled. I have what one might call a slight dependency on tea. Now that I�m in Hartford I have the luxury of going to Xandos in the morning for a Chai latte. This morning I went in and made medium talk with the morning crew while waiting patiently for my fix� I mean.cup. I remember thinking. �Yay. Chai.� I used it to warm my hands while walking to the office knowing that by the time I got settled it would be the perfect temperature and I�d enjoy it so much more because I�d really need/want it by then.

My Chai tasted like the fermented bark from a tree that�s been nourished solely by acid rain. I wanted to cry. I was beginning the withdrawal symptoms. The only thing worse than that moment was when I proceeded to spill to oblivion the cursed contents about my desk BARELY missing some very important and confidential financial papers. I will not admit to the fact that this was probably caused by me shaking in withdrawal� I will admit to the fact that it left my desk stick-stinky for the entire day. I cleaned the mess up and tried to console myself with tea from the copy room when one of my supervisors asked me to run the important and confidential info to all of the people in the Phoenix offices who get the important and confidential type stuff. I finally had my tea at noon. But I got to busy myself with a task on Excel� even though I know very little about the program� I must say though, that for my lack of knowledge my little project is coming along nicely. AND! at the end of the day one of my supervisors told me that if I wanted it, she and my other supervisor would talk to the HR people about finding a place for me within the company because they think I�m super. I kid you not. She actually used the word �super�. Hell� maybe Friday I�ll show them how super I really am and wear my under-roos.

~~ ~~

I haven�t fallen down in a long time. Well, physically I mean.

I almostkindofsorta miss it. That brevity of weightlessness. It�s precarious. that moment. If you give in to fear and dis-orientation you miss it. But when you don�t. God/dess it�s beautiful. It�s like flying.

I am (of course) and experienced faller. I can do it without the threat of injury. I am a superman of sorts. Tall flights in a single bound. Or rather, bounce. A good fall involves some elasticity. some bounciness.

I�ve gotten so that I rarely reach out to catch myself. When I fall down the stairs at home I just go with it. I just enjoy that incredible sensation of the ground rushing up to say hello. of my arms and legs and head and hair all pin-wheeling in the air.

A good fall is one of the purest examples of being in the moment. Of being outside of your head. totally in your body. A good fall gives you the opportunity to experience what it means to feel �the joy in the movement.�

A good fall is an art form.


Sometimes I think that she�s actually falling. She�s actually been caught and suspended in that moment. She�s really just pin-wheeling.flying. forever. Sometimes I think that the nude is actually me. But I know it�s not. I�m very careful when I descend the stairs nake-y.
Rug burns.

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