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My mother says things to me like, �That�s nice but� why can�t/don�t you wear something with brighter colour? How will you ever be noticed dressed like that?� We just got in an argument about how I was sabotaging my chances for getting exposure by not wearing a more attention getting dress to my Uncle�s graduation. She says things that make me feel like I am the world�s most impotent actress� that I am the world�s most impotent and un-motivated person in general. She says things like, �If I were you�� and though I know she�s just trying to be supportive, it always feels like an accusation. There is enough critique involved in the audition process for me to not need it at home. I am jealous of my mother�s confidence that everything would be perfect and smoothly on it�s way if she were me. Sometimes I wish it were like that Jodie Foster (Freaky Friday?) movie and my mother and I could switch bodies for a week or so and she could work her majik and then I�d hop back into my body and boom! I�d have an agent, new head-shots, and gigs lined up. Hmph� I don�t really even know why I�m so bloody upset. Nothing I have ever done has ever been good enough to save itself from criticism. She says, �I love you and I�m proud and supportive of you�. but there�s always the �One Up� and you�ll always have to consider that.� I personally have rarely believed that she was proud of me, and obviously I chafe under her support, and I�m constantly being knocked down by the �One Up.� Even when I am President I will still feel like I�m in some way deficient. My audition went fine. But I�m sure that someone else�s was better. I�m also sure that there was a cattle call for video whores somewhere that I should have gone too also. You know. For the exposure. I was going to write about what a good time I had on Saturday and about how much I�d missed the city. But I really haven�t the energy to right now� which sucks because the rest of this week�s entries will probably be droll. [I�ll be working everyday and then I get to attend the graduation this weekend.] It seems that my mother has the most uncanny knack for swooping in and filling me with self-loathing and then hugging me and telling me how much she loves me and supports me and has so much belief in my talents� ya-da ya-da ya-da� but that with my attitude and lack of commitment to the greater goal, I may never make it. Fuck you too Mom. Oh my God! Look at the results of the test that I found with the aid of my favourite Texan: You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfillment. You are totally dissatisfied with your present situation. Matters are not going right for you and you are seeking a means of escape. Your mental state of mind necessitates that you need to change your thinking patterns. Remember, if one particular modus operandi doesn't seem to work, then try something different. You are a dreamer and you seek perfection in any relationship that you may establish. Some of your ideas and standards are over the top so it may be a good idea to review your perception of life and accept people for what they are - not for what you would like them to be. You are experiencing considerable stress which is essentially the result of on going rejection and hostility. You are in the unpleasant position where offers of trust, affection and understanding are being withheld and you are being treaded with a degrading lack of consideration. You feel that you are being denied the appreciation that you deserve, which is essential to your well-being and self-esteem, but you have to face up to the situation because as matters stand at this time there is little that you can do about it - you feel that you are getting nowhere and the continuous struggle is a lonely one: all difficulties and no encouragement. Whatever you try to say or do is met with continuous hostility and no matter how much you protest you are consistently misunderstood. You need to escape from the situation but you are so perplexed that you cannot find the strength of mind to make the necessary decision. You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be. Isn't that INSANE! . How Rude! - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:16 PM One small step but no giant leap. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 11:17 AM Where's George? - Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 12:48 PM |
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a Nifty design 
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