Thanx

Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2002 ~ 4:13 PM

<< >>

I just wanna show you the way that I feel.

Thank God/dess for Katie&Sadie (Hi Sadie!), Freya, Simone, Jared, Andrea Gamble, TGI Friday, Grey Goose Vodka Tonics (with 2 limes), Clove Cigarettes, French Fries, Tori Amos and Billie Holiday!

Of course, I did have another set-back. But since it occurred in the wee morning hours I think that it can be counted as today's set-back. I think that it's okay to average one set-back per day. Last night I was complaining (but to be truthful, I think "boo-hooing" a far more accurate term) to Katie about how miserable I was having not spoken to Her so I decided to just break down and send Her an email. Just so that you can get a clear picture of how weak and dependent I am, I will copy the message here for you.

...I don't want you to think that I enjoy not talking to you... The truth is: this is the hardest thing I have ever done. You've become such a large and important part of my life, but I just need to know that you aren't my life. As you can see, I can't go cold turkey. I miss you and I am miserable without you but I have to get used to the fact that things will not work out as I'd hoped and at times I may be distant. I am very hurt and very confused and full of insecurity right now and it's just not something that I'm used to experiencing.

I've been using my online diary to try and write you out of my system but you're in so damned deep. And there aren't words enough. Hell, they aren't even tears enough (and I should know). I have never before known such intensity as I have known with you. Such soaring heights and now such searing pain. And I know that you don't need or miss me and that you're probably quite annoyed with my behavior... but I realize that I have grown in many ways to need you and now I am being forced to do without and the withdrawal symptoms are ugly.

You know that I want you to be happy, and if Brenda makes you happy then you have all of my blessings... but so much of me is still rocked by the fact that you don't think that you could be happy with me. It pains me to know that you always knew that I could not have made you happy. Making you happy... that would have been my greatest joy. But for now it seems just to be my greatest dream deferred.

You still have what you don't want. My love.

A.

Now it didn't seem like such a bad idea at the time (says the heroin addict) but in the light of day (and judging from the fact that She hasn't responded which leads me to believe that She might have decided not to read it) it strikes me that perhaps this wasn't the smartest thing for me to do. [And yes, I can hear you shaking your head in agreement.] Sigh. In my defense, I NEVER said that I was a smart girl. But I can say one thing... sending that note... no matter how it may have negated Freya's detox regimen... sending that note made me feel a little better. Even-though She probably didn't read it and even-though She's probably taken my diary's link from Her favourites list... it makes me feel better to know that I tried (and I even managed to do it without crying).

Today we are listening to: "All of Me" sung by Lady Day herself; "Untouchable Face," Ani D.; "Walk On," U2; "Love Ridden," Fiona Apple; "Give me All Your Love or I will Kill You (because it's a seriously a funny song... I'm not that crazy)," Macy Gray; "I Can't Make you Love Me," Bonnie Raitt; "Last Goodbye," Jeff Buckley; "Purple Haze," Jimi Hendrix; "Tangerine," Prince (when he was calling himself by an unpronounceable symbol) and the ever popular, Gummi Bears theme-song.

Today we are very well acquainted with our monologue for Friday and we now have to convince our sister Devin, to let us wear one of her sweaters as currently we hate everything that we own. Today we are also speaking in the Royal We because Simone says that we should treat ourselves as Queens and also the sole subject of our kingdom. Of course, Simone does have two boyfriends... (chuckling).

<~~ Oh my... chuckling... hey, I may even be (dare I say it!?!) sociable by Friday.

Hey, thanx for listening.

.
.
.
.

Right Foot In < < < < < < < < < > > > > > > > > > Right Foot Out

Now Shake it all about!

Last 5 Entries

How Rude! - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:16 PM

One small step but no giant leap. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 11:17 AM

Where's George? - Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 12:48 PM

Gypsy - Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2003 - 8:44 AM

I'm no Artemis. - Wednesday, Aug. 13, 2003 - 8:19 AM

Recently

Lately

Write Me

Sign Me

What others say

What I Say

D*Land

a Nifty design

Amazon Honor System Enlist now. Fool! Learn More

~~~
LINKS

~~~

~~~
Rings