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And so, after hiding away from the world underneathe piles of covers I emerge to feel 1. exhausted and 2. whipped. A few hours simply doesn't make Her any more mine. Nothing will. I feel paralyzed or struck with some weird sort of amnesia. I don't know how to do anything. I am kicking myself because logically I should have been expecting this. I mean, did I really think that She would choose me? Was I really that delusional? I simply am not suited to these flights of fancy. I tend to go Icarus in these sorts of situations. And I've done it again. Too big. Too hard. Too much. But somehow still not enough for Her. I wanted Her for my greatest joy. I wanted to share my greatest joys with Her. I was seriously considering a life in Australia and a brown daughter with unruly hair. I wanted to come home to Her (them) after an audition/show. I wanted Her to come home to me after a day at the office. How many of my dreams have been my arms around Her, my mouth in Her hair, just listening and loving the roundness of Her voice? Countless. I will never share a sunrise with Her. And the thing that pisses me off the most is that it's my fault. I wasn't ready to be what she needed. Sigh. I guess it is possible to break your own heart. Freya says that I need to cut her off for a while. She says that I need to go at least a week without any communication with Her. That seems so hard. That seems like adding insult to injury. But I guess that it's already been accomplished for today. It's a half past nine and I've just come online... and She's not online. Of course it's not like She'll miss me. She probably went to bed as soon as She got home (She was very tired from Her trip)... She probably didn't notice that I wasn't online. Plus, now that She's all lovey-dovey with Miss Miami She really doesn't need to hurry home to turn me on. She doesn't need me anymore. Doesn't need my hellos, or goodbyes, or midday e-kisses... all of the things that I took such pleasure in doing... none of these She needs, nor will miss, because She has found someone who can do all of those things (and more) as She needs them done. Her life will go on absolutely swimmingly without me in it. It'd be an easy week for Her but a hell for me. Because I know that a week without Her in my life is a week hardly waking up for. It seems inconceivable that I was so willing to give all of myself; just... ALL of me... I love Her so hard it leaves me shaking at the thought that there isn't even the slightest possibility of it working out. I love Her so hard and it means nothing at the end of the day. It means nothing because I am here and She is there and soon She will be there with Miss Miami. Hmph. Miss Miami... I suppose that I should learn what her real name is now, shouldn't I? . How Rude! - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:16 PM One small step but no giant leap. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 11:17 AM Where's George? - Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 12:48 PM |
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a Nifty design 
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