Paper Doll

Monday, Feb. 18, 2002 ~ 5:06 PM

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I just wanna show you the way that I feel.

There must be a thousand minor deaths that one rises from in one's lifetime before the BIG one.

I died around 3 PM today... Actually I think that it was 2:57 but one can never be too sure of these things. I'm still breathing (barely), so I know that it must have been one of those minor deaths... I've got tell you though... I'd almost have preferred the BIG one.

She and Miss Miami hit it off, famously. They discovered (and acknowledged) that they have deep feelings for each other. They're falling for each other. It's kind-of love at fist sight and that's kind-of beautiful and poetic and it kind-of makes me happy. Kind-of.

She said point blank to me today (because honesty is the best policy and because She didn't want to lead me on) that She wants to be with Miss Miami. She said, "honey...you aren't ready for what i need." _____________. My insecurities are winning. I'm so jealous that She should know from just one weekend that Miss Miami is it and that I am not. But again, this feeds into my insecurity about me being easy to get over... of course, it would appear that She was never under me. She's thinking of leaving the city. I suppose that Miami would now be a very appealing option. Where does this leave me? Why am I never at the right place or the right time for the person I want? I think what I'll do is, the next time I even begin to care about someone I'm going to say: "Wait a minute, baby. Let's synchronize our watches."

And I know what you're saying because it's the same thing I've been saying. You cannot lose what you've never had. She was never (nor apparently ever intended to be) mine. I cannot possibly have lost her. But I feel lost. I feel like a paper doll. Perfectly crumpled and blown away. Pretty to look at for a while but eventually, everyone prefers an upgrade... something of more substance, something a bit more real.

My this hurts. This hurts everywhere. Because She has touched me in so many places without ever laying a hand on me. And She doesn't even care. She has found someone that makes Her happy... and Her life is about Her so why should She even care about me?

There is so much swirling around in my mind, I can't make myself cognizant enough to be articulate. I wish I could be angry at her. But... her smile.. it brings me to tears.. it's so incredibly beautiful... and I cry because Her smile will never be for me. But how can I get angry at a smile that beautiful?
I almost never want to see or hear from Her again... I almost want to delete all of the emails that we've exchanged... change my AOL screen-name to one She doesn't know... completely go under the radar... but that seems unbearably hard. She's become such a large part of my life. My day was incomplete until I'd heard from Her. I couldn't rest easy until wishing Her a good night. How can I completely eradicate all traces of Her from my life when I was so willing to make Her my life?

And so I know, I know, there are other fish in the sea. Well honestly, for the time being... fuck those other fish. I'm just going to sit here in the shallow end and calmly drown myself.

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Right Foot In < < < < < < < < < > > > > > > > > > Right Foot Out

Now Shake it all about!

Last 5 Entries

How Rude! - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:16 PM

One small step but no giant leap. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 11:17 AM

Where's George? - Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 12:48 PM

Gypsy - Wednesday, Sept. 24, 2003 - 8:44 AM

I'm no Artemis. - Wednesday, Aug. 13, 2003 - 8:19 AM

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