|
|
What I said was: �you should marry me when i grow up. :-)� What I meant was: I hate the fact that I don�t have a job and that I�ve had to return to Windsor and live at home. That I am frustrated with my situation and I cannot see how anyone who has their shit together (as you do) and has had their shit together for a while (as you do) would tolerate me not having my shit together. What She heard was: �I�m not ready� And what She said was (and I suppose that She may kill me for posting Her part of the conversation without Her consent... We were IMing last night and She said this to me and I honestly considered jumping out of a window just to make something shatter like my heart had just done. Yet the funny thing is that I cannot say for sure whether or not She broke it� because I don�t think She did. But� is it possible to break your own heart? I�m trying to give Her space and be supportive and understanding. I realize that She has needs/requirements, now and not being able to be there to meet those really upsets me. But I want Her to be happy, so I don�t say anything. For example I�m incredibly threatened by this woman from Miami who is coming up to meet Her March 1-3rd. I mean, this woman is 28, beautiful in the way She likes, independent and successful� and she�s obviously quite attracted to Her. Miss Miami has everything that I feel that I lack, and because I only want the best for Her, I don�t feel that it�s my place to express my �aaaarrghhh!� at the thought of her coming. She is not mine and I have no grounds to question Her actions. I cannot prevent other women who find Her attractive from... well... anything. She has repeatedly said that She can do as She pleases because She doesn't have a girlfriend. That means the only person who has any bearing on Her actions is Her. So I say nothing about Miss Miami. And She says, �her aggression is taking over...me... because you take a back seat...voluntarily�. Sigh. I just want Her decisions to be for and about Her. I don�t want to push because part of me is really scared of pushing too hard or too fast and hurting Her. It would break my heart to hurt Her. The logical part of me (which I must admit has not done me ANY good throughout this situation) says: �Well it is better to never have had Her than to have had Her and lost Her; or worse yet: let Her down.� [which pisses me off because it seems so defeatist] But the il-logical side of me says, �It�s like that Nike commercial: Just. Do. It. Just pick ME!� And I know it's not that simple, nothing that is worth having/being involved with is ever that simple (isn't that what fables teach us?). I feel like I have taken my heart out of my mouth and put it on my sleeve and I'm afraid that I might not be wearing the ensemble She likes. You know, I think this whole �I�m madly in love" thing... I think that they should rename it, �I�m as loopy as a roller-coaster.� Because I�ve got to tell you, I�ve never been this manic, panicked, insecure, joyous, breathless, or downright alive ever in my life� and my stomach is flying into my mouth and my skin is burning and my heart is going all flippity-flop and I know it�s going to keep happening over and over and I can see it twisting and turning in front of me� but I keep on getting back in line for the ride. . How Rude! - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:16 PM One small step but no giant leap. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 11:17 AM Where's George? - Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 12:48 PM |
|
a Nifty design 
|