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Days like this, I don�t know what to do with myself -�Sullen Girl� Fiona Apple So that was my day yesterday. It�s not so much that it sucked or was bad or anything. It�s just that all day long I kind of holed up in my room wondering what the hell to do with myself� I guess it started with that dream I had� And again it was necessarily a bad dream, no ghoulies or demon-like baddies to contend with. It was a dream about dust. When Jenny and Jon were in the city they wanted to see �Ground Zero.� We�d talked about the whole thing the day before: J&J,AJ and I. Or rather they talked and I tried to eat my chocolate pudding pie without screaming like a banshee. They talked and they talked and I just watched them. And I know that everyone probably had something very insightful to say but honestly, whenever I hear �World Trade Center� or 9/11 my mind shuts down. [You know... all of the trains on the blue line still say World Trade Center. And so much of me wants to believe that the stop still exists. I used to use the towers as a landmark when I got off of the subway... if I was ever disoriented I knew that the towers ALWAYS meant south. It was a certain certainty, a sort of permanence to look forward to in the speeding city. Now I get off the subway and I thank who ever is up there that I made it off.] But... I can�t talk about it. I can�t think about it. I actually get a little choked up when I see pictures of them... I was watching "When Harry Met Sally" the other day and there's that shot right in the beginning of Fifth Ave. and right under the arch at Washington Square Park... there they were and I swear I wanted to cry. I can't even count how many times I've counted on seeing that very same sight stumbling around NYU after a party, or having lunch in the park with Jenny between classes. And so, I know you�re saying� �So why the fuck did you go?� And I�ll tell you. Ego. I went because I didn�t want J&J and AJ (but especially Jenny) to know how frightening the whole thing was. I didn�t want them to know that on that day something deep inside of my Me... something shook and will be shaken forever. I mean� it sounds downright crazy to say, �I�m afraid of dust man.� And I was covered in dust� we all were. But I�d chosen that day to rebel against the whole Wall Street monotony by wearing jean clam-diggers, a vintage 70�s shirt made from a net-like material, and flip-flops. When I took a shower later that night at Freya�s I was in a panic because I just couldn�t get it off. It had worked it�s way into my dread locks and I swear nothing gets into those� I felt violated. I smelled like it. I tasted like it. I was permeated with something that I wasn�t prepared to handle much less talk about. What was there to say? "Oh my god!?" Somehow I didn't think that Ohmygod would cut it. I just knew how to say "I don�t want to leave the city." Over and over again. But my mother demanded that I come home and drove in to get me and that was that. I was angry at her for it. I was angry that she should be able to tell me what I�d been through. What it meant. I just felt like saying, �You don�t know what it means� no one does� not even those firefighters, nor those WTC workers leaping from their windows� nor the kamikaze pilots�� I remember walking around on the 11th looking up and the thinking �Damn! Henny Penny would be having a coronary right now.� But somehow I think that that would have been easier to explain. I mean� what do you tell your kids� �religious fundamentalists� or �the sky is falling? But still, I went with AJ and J&J down to the site. And I waited as they looked� I waited in a deli -nauseous out of my mind and quite nearly on the verge of hyperventilating- and called Her on my phone. Because I really just needed a dust free hug and Her voice always does that. It was so weird because when they came back to get me they all looked at me like "What do you have to say?" What DO I have to say? I said nothing except, "let's walk." And walking back to Astor Place, Jenny and I held on to each other for dear life; she cried and I assured her that it would take more than planes flying into buildings to get rid of me. . How Rude! - Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004 - 12:16 PM One small step but no giant leap. - Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003 - 11:17 AM Where's George? - Thursday, Sept. 25, 2003 - 12:48 PM |
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